Cute Widdle Bears Shit in the Woods Too

So I have to blog about pop culture if I want anyone to come to my site. Since I posted that “Darius loves a nice caboose” thing the other day I have had over eleventy billion hits from 7 different countries. You guys only love me if I talk about stuff that you love to hate. So I’m going to talk about something I HATE. And it belongs in this same category because it is a commercial as well.

We all know that bears shit in the woods. I loathe the commercials with the cutesy-wootsy cuddly bears that have a roll of Charmin hanging on a tree branch so they can wipe their widdle bitty bottoms when they’re done (shitting in the woods, that is). These cartoons are so sickeningly cutesy they make Precious Moments characters look like extras from Akira.  

 I understand that the ad geniuses ™ are targeting the much-sought-after “mommy mommy” demographic. If motherhood makes you moronic enough to think these ads are catchy, then I would welcome barren loins. Did no one stop to consider that if these bears’ diets didn’t include grubs, bark, and the rotting flesh and bones of Bambi and his family they wouldn’t have such a need for super-soft asswipe. That sinew can’t digest well. Shall we examine the lyrics?

Hey little fella, gotta change your touch.
What you thought was enough
Might be too much
See, it’s more cushiony than ever before
With Charmin Ultra, less is more
When we say less is more, less is more
It’s more absorbent
Than the regular rippled brand for sure
What you used to love,
Now you’re going to adore
With Charmin Ultra- less is more
Cha Cha Cha … Charmin

This little sing-along is accompanied by the backside of a bear sitting down behind a tree, presumable to plant a nice big steamer. The song leads us to believe that she has, in the past, been using a large amount of toilet tissue to make sure that no leftover bits of dung got matted in her rump fur where they clumped up and attracted flies. Happily, though, she can now be clingon-free with less paper! Hmmm, that IS cute!

(NOTE: the bears in the above ad lack even the hint of an anus,  so I don't think they are good spokesbears for toilet paper)

Currently Listening to:  Gravity Rides Everything, by Modest Mouse (Mice probably shit in the woods as well, but these are too modest to sell out in an advert)
Scrabble WOTD:  n. pl. FECULA -LAE   fecal

Comments

[Otis]

Hate Monger

(I hate that commercial too)

[mare: elderly colored]

I agree completely. As a matter of fact I hate cutesy bears PERIOD! I am not, nor have I ever been, a fan of cutesy. How could anyone make something cutesy out the act of defecating? Give me a break!

[LiLx0xShAwTy]

I LOVE that commercial....I sing it all the time at skool!!! lol....well...that commercial is cool...PERIOD!!!

[Sharly]

I LOVE THAT COMMERCIAL TOO! its the best! the bears rule!! lolz soo cute! :P

[Umoto Korriken]

I hated that commercial so much i had to parody it.

Hey little fella, gotta change your touch
if you wipe that hard it might make you bleed
Its now rougher than ever before
with John Wayne Ultra, you just might bleed!
When we say make you bleed, itll make you bleed
rougher than coarse sandpaper for sure
what you used to hate youre now gonna abhor
with john wayne ultra you just might bleed
John John John, John Wayne!

http://www.cowboygifts.com/catalog/tpjw.jpg

[chamika]

I think that the charmin ultra bears should be made into stuff animals were they could be bought.