"Peter Benchley sighed and reached for the remote..."

I was mosaicking tonight (remember, I must prepare for the fair(e)), and the TV was on in the studio. I generally listen to the XM or watch a DVD (I can watch Stand By Me over and over), but for some reason it was just on regular TV tonight…and I got sucked into this cinematic masterpiece called “10.5,” about a series of ginormous earthquakes that rock the Pacific coast.

As terrible as it was, I got completely hooked, and was then forced to turn it off to watch the OTHER piece de merde that was offered on network television this evening: Spring Break: Shark Attack! I love sharks, and I love horror movies, so naturally, I am quite drawn to a film that promises both, especially if I know that it will make the Casper Van Dien's Shark Attack! look like an Oscar contender. It did not disappoint, combining the best clichés of shark movies (Jaws, Deep Blue Sea, et al.) and of slasher flicks (Nightmare of Elm Street, Friday the 13th, etc.). Some of them are cross-genre…

Let’s run down the list:
CROSS-GENRE MOVIE CLICHES
Scantily clad horny teenagers? Check!
Scantily clad horny teenagers who “give it up” and die as a result of their immorality? Check!
Screaming women? Check!
Movie anchored by an actor who used to be famous but now needs a paycheck and is willing to be in anything? Check!

HORROR MOVIE CLICHES
A virgin princess who is spared from certain death because she never “gave it up”? Check!
A down-home boy with a heart of gold who defies the odds and wins the heart of said virgin princess? Check!
An a-hole guy who tries to get it on with the good girl and ends up paying for his assholish nature with his life in a graphic spray of blood and gore? Check!

SHARK MOVIE CLICHES
Liberal use of stock footage depicting many different kinds of sharks? Check!
Some type of pseudo-scientific explanation for the attacking predators that insults the intelligence of viewers? Check!
A city official who refuses to close the beaches because of the money that will be lost from tourists? Check!
A scruffy-looking scientist who has the answers but no one will listen to him until it is too late? Check!
Late-night swim by bikinied woman that goes very wrong? Check!
Really bad CGI sharks (excluding Jaws)? Check!
A bad guy who was somehow behind the whole thing (the Scooby Doo ending)? Check!

In closing my review of this movie I will say that it was really really really bad. It made the aforementioned “10.5” look like a National Geographic special…and yet something about the unabashed shittiness of it all was endearing to me, so much so that when I finished my mosaic project I went downstairs and finished watching the movie on the big TV. daaaa-dumb, daaaaaa-dumb

ps…I am the 8^th hit on a Google search of “Pittsnoggle.” Damn I’m smooth. (I got a hit from Google today- a first!)

Scrabble WOTD: EGEST, v. -ED, -ING, -S  to dischage from the body (The tiger shark egested a Louisiana license plate- lord only where the rest of the car is.)

Comments

[Lindsay]

I only managed to catch a few brief minutes of the movie before jay scoffed and made me change it. But In that brief exposure i thoroughly enjoyed the faux "girls gone wild" reference with the two guys claiming to be from "girls unleashed"...to which a blonde walks by and flashes them...her bikini bottom (lifting up the side of her bathing suit cover skirt) what a rebel! panama city has nothing on these crazy kids.