Gnumoon's Stuff

The Sexxy Side of Southern Living

Oh, Southern Living, how I love thee. I have read SL since I was old enough to read. As a child leafing through the pages and seeing the beautiful tables full of food, the screened-in sleeping porches with ceiling fans, and the colorful gardens overgrown just so with gorgeous wildflowers, I thought that was what adult life was all about. And that was fine by me.

The reality is much different, of course. My house is forever stranded mid-renovation, dinner often includes Cheerios, and the yard…well, a charming English garden it ain’t. It will be someday, though, when time and energy permit. I have the shining beacon of inspiration lighting my way every month from the magazine stand at the grocery store.

Anyway…that isn’t really what this post is about. This post is about how sometimes when you design something, certain aspects of the design, while obvious to others, go unnoticed by the designer. This has happened to me…on one memorable occasion I used the 28 Days Later poster as a basis for a t-shirt, only to discover that when the 5,000 shirts came back from the printer the oversized demonic eyes were SMACK DAB on the boobies. It was just like that old SNL skit “They Had Eyes on Their Breasts.” The shirts were instant collector’s items, and luckily my superiors found the whole thing quite amusing.

Something similar has happened to the Southern Living photographers and paginators this month, I fear. Ron Jeremy has nothing on the bakery owner on page 42. If you’re looking for a man who can cook and, ahem, cook, head over to Frederick, Maryland. He can get a rise out of his dough, if you get my drift. He looks like he could really butter your bread, wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Okay, I’ll stop now.   

ps- I talked to a landscaper. He told me that the Hemlock blight is upon us and that there isn't anything I can do for my poor trees. I'm very sad about it.

pss- I went to the lake yesterday and got sunburned whilst laying out on the deck of the ski boat. It doesn't have anything to do with anything, I just wanted everyone to know that I ditched work to go to the lake.

Currently Listening to:  Cosmic Country Noir, by Stereolab
Quote OTD: from Bobcaygeon, by The Tragically Hip
Drove back to town this morning with working on my mind
I thought of maybe quitting
Thought of leaving it behind
Went back to bed this morning
And as I'm pulling down the blind
The sky was dull and hypothetical
And falling one cloud at a time

Change My Pitch Up

I haven’t blogged in a while, because not much is going on and I haven’t felt inspired to sit at the computer for long amounts of time coming up with something to say. MJ was found not guilty…we all know that is a joke. Some weirdos in Kansas wrote this article…we *should* all know that is a joke as well. We discovered that Shiavo did in fact have massive irreparable brain injuries and was blind (so she couldn’t have “reacted” to seeing people as her parents claimed)….and we know that no one will ever apologize to her husband for the hell they put him through. (I could write a whole novel about how that situation was mishandled, but I won’t. Suffice it to say that I believe that her parents are selfish and cruel.)
So ends the “current events” portion of today’s post.

I just got back from the gym, having run today’s mileage and lifted today’s appointed poundage. People ask sometimes, “Why don’t you just go run outside?” The answer that shuts them up is, “I’m asthmatic…I don’t want to get miles away from anything and die.” The real answer is: Because I hate running outside. Odd but true. I can’t stand it- I need hard facts staring up at me from the console to let me know that I have run 2.12 miles and that there are 1.88 left before I can go do sit-ups. Vive le treadmill! (The title of the post is from a favorite workout song…can you guess it without Googling the lyrics?)

Sorry this post is boring. I just don’t have much going on that is worth writing about- maybe I’ll make something up for next time. Hmmmm. Eh, well…I’m off to see Batman Begins. Cillian Murphy rocks my Adidas.

 

The Adventures of Link

Today is links day. I’m going to give you, as part of this special one-time-only offer, links to things that are currently amusing me on the internets. Plus, I just won a Fark Photoshop contest today (the first one I've entered in a while) so yea for dorky ol' me!

1. The picture is from www.threadless.com, one of the better compendiums of random hipster t-shirts I’ve found. Unfortunately, all the shirts are done in very limited runs, so lots of the cool ones (like Vader over there) are sold out.

2. In honor of my friend Billy who got to go to the Apple conference in SF this week, let's dress up Apple CEO Steve Jobs for his keynote speech! Blue jeans and black turtlenecks are boring, so make him exciting...my favorite has to be the spaceman suit.

3.  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog plus crazy Michael Jackson fans? That's a wonderful combination...for me to poop on! Here's the link for that sketch, plus a bonus link to the hilarious Triumph at the Star Wars Ep. II Premiere from a few years back. That's comedy gold, Jerry!

4. All of your favorite films, condensed into 30 seconds...and performed by bunnies.    Jaws and The Shining are instant classics.

5.  Curious as to what your favorite website looked like in 1996? Check out the Wayback Machine,  a site that has every version of (most) every website saved back to '96. I even found my horrid first attempt at web design. *shudder*

6.  We all know and love the Numa Numa Kid, right?  Well we aren't the only ones, it seems. The Oxygen Network (Oh!)is using the same song and "webcam-POV"  for their latest ad. One has to wonder if the stay-at-home-soccer-mom demographic is familiar with the origins of the commercial?

Fungus among us

We have spent the early part of today attending to oh-so-exciting household tasks such as trash take-out. I had a Homer Simpson-esque “Garbage water! Garbage Water!” moment this morning. Gross. Aren’t we just a thrill-a-minute people?

We also went up the mountain some to check out a campsite that is on our property- it’s a bit overgrown, but it would be fun to clear it out some and tent out back there. Mmm, ‘smores cooked over a campfire. While we were up there I took the opportunity to get some pictures, like this one of mushrooms. 

For some reason I’ve always been fascinated by wild mushrooms…I used to draw them in pastel and colored pencil all the time, until my art teacher told me that mushroom sketches were “Too boring to even grade.” I disagreed with her then, and I still do. I think they are interesting, and we even have a distant family friend who has dedicated his life to capturing their beauty on film. His name is Taylor Lockwood, and you can check out his very cool stuff here. And, as my dad always points out, “He’s a fun guy!”

In other news, we’re heading down the mountain this evening to go to a “we’re pregnant” surprise party thrown by some friends who seem to think that no one knows that they are pregnant. Hopefully we can act properly surprised by the news. We were supposed to go to a wedding in Georgia, but we were exhausted from the work week and all the kennels were full. I really didn’t think that the bride and groom would appreciate us showing up to their beautiful gala with a drooling, barking, 100-pound dog that had been cooped up in a car for 5 hours.

In other actual news, apparently Natalee Holloway’s body has been found in Aruba. As tragic an end as it is to the story, at least now her family can have closure and hopefully begin the long healing process. My condolences go out to her family and friends.

Currently Listening to: Child of the Wind, by Bruce Cockburn
Quote OTD:  From The Breakfast Club
John Bender: Well, Brian, this is a very nutritious lunch. All the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers?
Brian Johnson: Uh, no. Mr. Johnson.

Sad News from Alabama

I got a report that my brother, his girlfriend, and my cousin are all having fun in London with their group- what a fun adventure. I’m sure I’ll dust off some of pictures from excursion ’99 soon enough and post them here. Yeah, yeah, I might tell the Metro story. 

Thinking of my debauchery overseas and how many weird and dangerous situations I could have gotten into leads to my next topic, and it is a sad one. Seems that a suspect has confessed that he knows “something bad” that happened to missing Alabama student Natalee Holloway in
Aruba while she was on her senior trip. Obviously this is a tragic story that has gained national news attention, but I can bring it a few degrees closer than CNN can.

The day that it happened, I read the story and thought to myself, “That is a terrible situation that probably won’t turn out well.” About three hours later I got an email from an aunt in Alabama. The school in the story should have rung a bell with me, because my cousin had also just graduated from there…and she was on the trip with Natalee. Turns out that my cousin was one of the last people to see Natalee alive. The email was absolutely heartbreaking:

“…I checked the mail the other day and found it full of so many wonderful cards from many of you, congratulating A. on graduation.  But I cried because I realized that when Natalee's mother returns from Aruba, her mailbox will likewise be full of bright wishes and greetings for her little girl.  How will she make it through this?  A. was in the same bar at the same time near the same people.  My agony is searing as it could so easily have been my child. It could have been my own precious daughter who is lost to us.  My grief is almost as great as if it had been.”

Besides praying for Natalee’s family and friends, there isn’t much that any of us can do.   But please let your teenagers know that there are wolves and predators out in the world.  I think that naievity played as big a part in all this as alcohol did.

(note- I had written a  paragraph about responsible alcohol use and watchcare, but it just came across as preachy and hypocritical. I don’t have the answers.)

And just for the record, I am not at all worried about my crew being on a senior-type trip overseas right now. My brother is a really levelheaded guy, and I feel really good about the group they are traveling with. Plus, I’m quite sure that Madam G. would never let anything happen to any of them. 

 

Max is 2 Cool 4 Skool

Pony up, Pentax.

<rant>
Every month I spend a few hours marking things to try in my Martha Stewart Living magazine, only to discard the projects once I remember that Ms. Stewart is the designated Queen of Homemakery, and I am but an inadequate drone. I read it through anyway, and Monday was no different. I was leafing through the current issue, admiring the fabulous ads that GE Profile, Hagen-Dazs, and M had obviously put work and money into, when I came across this advertisement for Pentax Digital SLRs.

Perhaps it is the bizarre combination of my degree in advertising, my current search for a new SLR for work, my inexplicable love of cars, and the fact that I am a professional wedding-attender…or perhaps I’m just a big freak to notice such things, but this ad just screamed out to me. Have a look at it (click image for larger version) and see if anything seems amiss, then come back and read on. 

You back? OK…let’s look at this closely. I checked on this “Pentax Digital SLR *ist DS”  camera body: it is 6.1MP, 3008x2008 and it retails for about $640, so it isn’t something that one would buy to take to a drunken frat party. It appears to be a good-quality consumer  camera (I am not calling value into question here, I’m just laying the groundwork for my observation). The copy even reads “Warning: This digital SLR is so professional, the purchaser may be asked to photograph weddings and other social functions.”

Fine, so this is a great camera for getting better-than-average pictures of cousin Susie’s third trek down the aisle, but let’s have a look at those pictures, shall we? Although I couldn’t find a release date for this camera, I imagine that it is new within the past year or so. If we follow that line of logic, then the mighty *istDS couldn’t possibly have taken these shots, because Susie’s nuptials took place in the 1980s. 

Need proof? Look at Susie Q herself. Nice sleeves- did the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man throw up on her arms? In addition, the scalloped neckline, pointy “princess-style” beaded bodice, and oversized ass-bow all point to a Reagan-era wedding. If you still aren’t buying this, have a look at the getaway car- that, my friends is an 80’s-model Ford mustang convertible. Sure, Ford carried that same bodystyle for 14 years, redesigning the pony in 1994, but that still predates this camera.

I didn’t check the ad rates for MSL, but I bet they aren’t anything cheap. If you’re going to go to the trouble of putting in a full-page spread touting your new CAMERA, please go out and actually take some pictures with it. Stock photography looks like what it is. And if I’m wrong, and those pictures are from Susie’s wedding last summer, please tell her to stop with the ringlets and mall bangs, because she’s scaring us.
</rant>

ESCAPED GOATS!

I was driving into town the other day and noticed this sign. Only here would you see a sign like that...it cracked me up so much that I stopped today and took a picture of it. 
It has been a busy two days, which is why I haven't posted. Between regular work and a new project that I'm a part of (more about that later), it has been quite busybusybusy. Also, tired = non-interesting posts.

I-man, my baby brother (19) is headed across the pond manana for a 19-day trip to Europe, so I want to wish him a safe and exciting journey. My advice is this: eat gellato in Italy, eat Pannenkoeken in Amsterdam, and be sure to reinact "On Her Majesty's Secret Service" in Switzerland- they LOVE it when Americans do that. 

More musings on Europe in a bit...I have to go pretend to be grown up now and take an interviewee from work out to dinner. Note to self: Self, DO NOT talk like Cartman or tell any jokes to this interview candidate. Especially if the joke starts out, "These three nuns died and were standing outside the pearly gates..." Even thought that is a great joke. Must. Be. Mature.

Currently Listening to: This Woman's Work, by Kate Bush
Quote OTD: 
"The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings- words shrink things that seems timesless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out."
-Stephen King

Mysterious Mysteries and Perfect Gatherings

We went hiking all around the house today, and for those of you who have never been out here, I’m talking about 400 acres of mountains and rivers…quite a hike. So we start off to the left of the porch and head down the mountain, traversing a bit because of the steep grade. Mostly we see lots of rhododendrons, mosses, ferns, and mushrooms, but we also came upon something I must describe as “disturbing.”

There, in the 400-acre wood, close to nothing at all and far from where Christopher Robin plays, is a five foot long hole, about three feet wide and three feet deep. Why, what could you put in such a hole? Hmmm, how about a body that you never wanted anyone to find? That was our first thought as well, but the really odd thing was that it looked like the hole had been there awhile. The dirt that had been removed was piled up neatly beside the hole, but it had moss growing on it as if it hadn’t been removed recently.

As we stood in the dappled sunlight and stared into the gash in the earth, Max (ever the adventurer) barked once and then jumped down in the hole (grave) and started digging furiously. I was completely convinced he was about to exhume a rotting corpse, and I braced myself for the shock. He dug about two inches down, snuffled around in the rich black ground for a second, and plopped right down in the hole. It must’ve been cool down in there. So much for him being the great doggie detective.

There was a second shallow hole about 400 feet away, with the same dimensions and such. It was a wildly interesting mystery to me in the warm sunny afternoon, but here now in the dark of the forest night, I admit that thinking of it gives me the heebie-jeebies. What were they for? Who dug them? And when? So many questions posed that my mind jumps to answer in the most outrageous way possible. Damn this imagination.

Anyhoo, when we returned to the house from our adventure, we called up some people and had an impromptu grill-out on the deck. The weather was perfect and it was great to get to hang out without worrying about work. The sunset was gorgeous, the food was yummy and plentiful, and the beer was cold. What more can you ask for, really?

ps- The evergreen trees outside the house are dying, and it is happening FAST. There seems to be a white rash on the bark, and all the needles have turned brown and fallen off in the last two weeks. Any ideas?

pss- What a complete crock that Madagascar and The Longest Yard beat out Star Wars at the box office this weekend.  I think that means that the terrorists have already won.  To quote  the former Mr. Skywalker: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Currently Listening to:  Emperor Penguin, by the Tragically Hip
Quote OTD:  from Pulp Fiction
Mia: I do believe Marsellus Wallace, my husband, your boss, told you to take ME out and do WHATEVER I WANTED. Now I wanna dance, I wanna win. I want that trophy, so dance good.

Lifeson: The hassle continues...

More news in the Lifeson case...seems that Lerxst is suing the Ritz  for damages. Considering what this mess has  done to his reputation, I can't blame him a bit for wanting the truth told. Go Alex GO. Then get yer ass in the studio and give us a new album and tour!

You can fight, fight without ever winning...
But never really win, win without a fight.