Because you can't have Halloween without ween: Hot Male Costumes

I'm over the election. Over it. I watch the debates, I roll my eyes. I will vote, because I always vote, and I will watch the returns until the wee hours, because I always do, but I am over it. I'm tired of stupid people (on both sides) with loud mouths go on and on. So instead of writing a well thought-out, intelligent post about the debates and the issues, I am going to tackle a much more pressing problem.
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Halloween has been dubbed "Hookerween" or "Whoreiween" (wait, I may have made that one up) because it's like the day has become an excuse for every female to dress as sluttily as possible and call it a costume. Sexy Vampire, Hot nurse, MILF-y zombie Hitler, the list goes on.

But I don't see much attention being paid to hot costumes for guys. So here they are, backed up by much scientific research. Note: "Pirate" did not make the list. I know that the Depp-o-philes will disagree here, but I think pirates look like they are very stinky, which is a major hit to the hot-o-meter.

Hot:
Highlander - Not the show/movie. An actual, Scottish, kilt-wearing, dirk-wielding (see what I did there?) Highlander. Nothing in the world is hotter than a guy with nice legs in a skirt. Extra points for red hair. See: Liam Neeson, Ewan MacGregor. They can take our underoos, but they'll never take our freedom.

Viking - we come from the land of the ice and snow, indeed. Maybe it's the horned hat or the fur shorts. Maybe the bloodlust? In any case, it's manly as all getout. A good choice for hardbodied blondes who are tired of being Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters II or Fabio every year.

Batman - Tortured. Angst-filled. Brooding. Smoldering eyes. Chiseled cheekbones. *fans self*  {Unless it's the Adam West version, in which case it's still on the good list because it's funny without being pathetic. But be warned that there will be no fanning of self with this version.}
Note: Above offer does not apply to Robin.

Musketeer - I am Gnumoon, and I approve this costume. Unless it's too feathery, or looks like you ganked it from your high school's theater department.

Westley - To the victor go the spoils, and if you have eyes like the sea after a storm, look good in all black, can withstand the machine (but not to 50) and oppose the damaging of perfect breasts, all the girlies will be yours. As. You. Wish.

Darth Maul - Hot, if you spring for the FX contact lenses and can get someone to do the makeup right. Note: the degree of difficulty may be higher than the payoff. A regular old Jedi knight getup is much easier, and probably just as much a panty-dropper with the right set of fangirls. That said, don't just put on an old bathrobe and call it a Jedi costume, because that is lamer than Cliegg Lars.

Indiana Jones - Everyone loves Dr. Jones. If you're lucky at the party, Dr. Shneider might want to head back to the catacombs and check out Reggie, amiright? *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*

Blade - As vampire hunters go, Blade is sexier than Hopkins' Van Helsing. {He was also half-vampire, with the heart of a human, or whatever that silly tagline was.} I'll call it a draw between Blade and Hugh Jackman's Van Helsing for "hottest vampire hunter."

Wolverine - Another badass inclusion on the list. If you have the body for the spandex, go for it. If not, the leather-clad, cigar smoking version works just fine.

Not at all hot:
Lederhosen - the Bavarian thing is really really sexy. On a chick. I assure you guys, wear  lederhosen, and the girls at the bar will feel like they're getting hit on by one of the Von Trapp children. Not exactly the intended effect.

Pimp - No. You look ridiculous. Take off that purple crushed velvet hat before someone kicks your ass.

Superman - The ultimate goody two-shoes. 95% of guys can't pull of the outfit, and the 5% who can are so into themselves it isn't worth the effort. Even worse if he has the little ringlet-y spit-curl too. Ugh.

Werewolf - If you can pull this one off successfully, you're probably excessively hairy, like clean-out-the-drain-and-make-a-tribble-doll hairy. And this costume will do nothing but draw lots of attention to that fact. You get a pass if you are actually being Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf, though. Because that's original and cute, and a drunk girl at a Halloween party will likely find that hot enough.

Gladiator/Spartan - A worse "OMG my eyes are burning : bow-chicka-wow-wow" ratio than Superman. You're much more likely to end up going home alone only to discover oft-commented photos of your costume on Facebook. And not kind comments either. {Note: I'm talking moobs here.}

Gorilla - At every party, there is some dude who shows up dressed as a gorilla. It is always vaguely disconcerting, because you never know for SURE who it is. It could be Michael Myers in there. And even if it isn't, you know it's all grundel-sweat-tastic under all that matted fur and black rubber.
This same basic rule applies to all costumes with a mask that covers the whole face, such as the Scream guy or Leatherface. The only exception is Darth Vader, because he's a badass.

Phantom of the Opera - You're just trying way too hard to get the theater geek chicks to go home with you. Points awarded ONLY if under the mask you have gnarly scar makeup. 
If you must for some reason don a cape and a white mask, may I suggest "V"? 

Raggedy Andy - If you thought this was hot, you should probably just stay home and hand out candy. Unless the judge said you can't be within 200 feet of children.

Boba Fett - Girls aren't nearly as impressed with the ol' bounty hunter as guys are, although an exception may be made in the event that you perfect a working jetpack in the next three weeks.

Hugh Hefner - Hef was a virgin until well into his 20s. Just saying.
Although it's slightly less lame than wearing a bathrobe and pretending to be a Jedi, I guess.

And always remember: We love Tim Curry, but no character he has ever played is hot. So don't try to win over the girls by dressing as Frank-n-furter, the Lord of Darkness, Pennywise the Dancing Clown, Rooster, King Arthur, or Hexxus.

A QUICK REFERENCE TABLE:
HOT - NOT
Batman - Robin
Jango Fett - Boba Fett
Severus Snape - Harry Potter
Sweeney Todd - Willy Wonka
A Ghostbuster - The "King" from Burger King
Gomez Addams - Herman Munster
The Gunslinger - The Lone Ranger
Aladdin - Bin Laden
Scorpion - a scorpion
Ghost Rider - Thor

Special Section: Are Vampires Hot or Not?
Hot:  Alucard Belmont (Half-vampire, Symphony of the Night. It's my list, I say he's hot), Jesse Hooker (Near Dark), Lestat de Lioncourt (Interview with a Vampire), David (Lost Boys), Blade (Blade), Dracula (Bram Stoker's Dracula), Spike (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Not Hot: Dracula (Bram Stoker's Dracula), Maximillian (Vampire in Brooklyn - too silly to be hot), Radu (Subspecies), Dracula (Monster Squad), Barlow (Salem's Lot), Jerry Dandridge (Fright Night), Count Orlock (Nosferatu). 

Hotness to be determined: Edward (Twilight)

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I'm sure I've left out lots of others. Any suggestions?

Comments

[otis]

I vote NOT on Edward being hot. I did only read the first book in the series, but he was just so whiney and "Oh, you don't know how much danger you are in when we are together." And while I am a girl and should therefore be attracted to all things sparkly, the subtle shimmer of his pale skin would get on my nerves. I think. Does he help his cause any in the other books?

And seconded on highlanders.

[Marie]

I just keep coming back to that kilt....

[Allison]

Another one to add to NOT HOT: either Lloyd or Harry from Dumb & Dumber.

I agree with you on pretty much everything else, with the exception of Phantom of the Opera. But I'm especially partial to Gerard Butler's version. Good Stuff.

[Sarah McBryde]

Ok, I agree with Allison, Gerarld Butler makes almost anything hot. Yeowzer.

To add to the NOT hot category - men dressed as babies in diapers. What in the HELL are they thinking? They need to go wave their freak flag in private. Barf.

[Brian Oblivious]

A few "interesting" costume ideas:

Originality: http://i199.photobucket.com/albums/aa69/djrobotmonster/babysuit.jpg

Toilet paper on a string not included : http://images.buycostumes.com/mgen/merchandiser/21169.jpg

Too damned cool for words: http://images.buycostumes.com/mgen/merchandiser/27381.jpg

[geoff]

who cares about being hot for halloween? hotness is for lamos, giant cardboard robots spray-painted silver are where its at. Ok, maybe that is just me, and maybe I'm just mad because skinny dorky guys can't pull off good vikings. Last year I was a full grown man in a child's bee costume, so obviously I've given up on the badass costume. Oh, and btw, where does David Bowie from Labyrinth rank on that chart, I've always wondered. I mean, he is kind of gothy and cool, but he has that cod-shot too... Recall Ira's "Nothing, Tra La La" quote?

[gnumoon]

Brian - Regarding #1: Yeah, I think Sarah Palin is going to be a popular costume this year.

Geoff - Bowie ranks high. I don't know why I forgot him. Although, a better costume is Jemaine from FOTC AS Bowie. "Is this a freaaaky dream, Bret?"

And to everyone else: Gerard Butler could dress up as Little Orphan Annie and he would be hot. I was referring to people in costume who are NOT Gerard Butler.

[Brian Oblivious]

I forgot to mention...

Halloween without the "Ween" would mean...

That one couldn't hear something like, "It's been a while since I've seen you smile..."

and suchlike. :-)

Thanks again for the eyeball...it was scrumptious!

[Kristin]

I think Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer is hot too.

[Catherine]

"Nothing in the world is hotter than a guy with nice legs in a skirt."

I totally agree. How can we convince men of this??